How to Create a Wedding Guest List

Out of curiosity, how many weddings have you been to? How many have you been in? If you are the first in your family and group of friends to get married, than choosing a guest list may feel a bit harder. I have found that the more weddings you attend or don’t get invited to, the easier it is to make these decisions about your own day. The reason is because you start to appreciate the difficulty and know that the people who care about you will understand if they don’t receive an invitation.

When trying to put together a guest list, the names can go on and on. When I first put one together, it seemed short, but once I counted it up (considering couples), I realized I was reaching 300+ people! And that was a year before we were even going to send out invitations. What if our parents wanted to add someone, or if anyone already on that list got married during that time themselves, adding in a plus one, and what if we made more friends (which we did!). We knew early on that we wanted to keep our wedding much smaller.

I started to become overwhelmed by these prospects because I knew these numbers were going to impact the cost of the total wedding. Here is why. Each person requires a meal, multiple drinks, plate, cutlery, napkin, glass(es), chair for meal, chair for ceremony, and parking. Each average table will hold maximum 10-12 people, requiring a table, linen, flowers, candles, or any extras such a as a menu or giveaways. Each time one table fills you need another.

I don’t tell you this to overwhelm you. Rather to show you that anyone who has planned a wedding should understand why they may not be invited. They know it isn’t because they aren’t important to you, but because it is expensive and your friendship goes beyond being present at a wedding. There are so many more life experiences you will be able to share together.

This has also made me appreciate and respect every invitation that I do receive. I realize how valuable that coveted spot is and will be sure to make my presence at the weddings I attend as respectful as possible. And provide as nice of a gift as I can afford, which has changed over time.

Now to the details of narrowing down a list. Here is a quick diagram from the Plant Based Bride blog that I found helpful.

This is a bit simplified, but is really helpful. The main point is, there are two categories, friends and family. For friends, consider who are your longest-term friends that you are still close with and who you currently spend most of your social life with. Also, consider who is part of your life in the moment and are your main support network. Finally, the "do you like them" question for family applies for friends just as much as family. It is possible to have friends that you don't like as much as others.

For family, this can get a bit trickier. Most important is immediate family who typically always included. Regarding extended family, think of those who you interact with the most and who your parents are closest with. If you are like me and have an expansive family tree of second, third, fourth cousins, they won’t all fit into a performance hall! It is okay to only invite the ones that you talk to on a regular basis or are local.

The most challenging part of a list is the plus ones. Many of your friends are in relationships and want to bring dates. However, I have experienced that more and more couples are not offering plus ones on invitations, unless they are engaged, committed, or married. This is the guideline that we used for our guest list. It was really hard to make that decision and some people chose not to attend as a result. We understood their reasons and accepted that.

One other challenge was the kid’s policy. You will need to decide if you want to have kids at your wedding. They are adorable, but be ready for them to cry or talk curing your ceremony. While we love our friend’s and family’s kids, we decided to have no kids under the age of 10 years, except for Cody’s first cousin who was seven years old at the time. This decision didn’t pose any problems for us. Just like for us, if you chose not to have kids present, many of your guests will appreciate having a night out. We did offer to help find childcare for anyone who would need.

Here is the less popular side of creating a guest list. As a people pleaser, it was really hard to make a guest list knowing that people would be left off. It was hard because I knew that in the end, someone could get upset. The truth is that you don't have control over anyone else’s reactions. While etiquette is for the people in your life to not ask or question our decision, there will always be that person who gets hurt. As I said, usually it’s because they don't understand from lack of experience or approached their wedding with an open invitation policy (Bless those who are able to emotionally and financially do this. I would have been utterly overwhelmed). It is really hard to narrow this down and like I said, anyone who has gone through it will understand. And once they plan their own, siblings, or child’s, etc. they will realize where you were coming from. If you are really worried about the impact of not inviting them, than add them to your list of invites or be okay with that relationship fading away.

Keep in mind that this is your day!! You want to have people surrounding you who are there to celebrate you and will make the day go smoothly. If anyone gets upset, turn to your support network for help. Maybe you have wiggle room as you learn of who won’t be able to make it and will allow for you to add a few more invites. And remember, if you are having a sit down meal, anyone you invite you will have to work them into a seating plan. Maybe I should write up a helpful source for seating charts?

xoxo

Shana Bryn