The Five Love Languages

This past Saturday was Tu b'Av, the Jewish day of love. And it was such a special day because it was the first time that our families were back together since our wedding, and the first time we had seen Cody's parents since Christmas of 2019. Unfortunately, we were missing Cody's sister since the boarders are still closed in Australia. (We missed you Paige and Chris!!!)

At the end of the day, I ended up having a conversation with my dad all about the five love languages. Cody's parent's drove out from Chicago and their car was the vehicle version of the Mary Poppin's bag. Gifts just kept pouring out! Adorable outfit after adorable outfit, toy after toy, and card after card we slowly opened everything up. And we are so grateful. Laila is fully stocked with everything she could possibly need at this newborn stage.

As I was talking with my dad, I shared with him that I have had to learn to appreciate and understand Cody's familys love of giving gifts. Sure I got birthday and holiday presents as a kid, but once I was a teenager, we moved away from presents and just went shopping with my parents instead. So I would struggle with receiving gifts. It's just not something that was a bug part of my life.

Having an understanding of people's possible love languages has really made me realize how much meaning there is behind these gifts from Cody's parents. I am able to feel more excited and appreciative when opening them and more connected to them as a result.

When I was first introduced to the idea of the Five Love Languages, about eight years ago, I read the book overnight and quickly started telling friends and family about it. I have read a few different versions written by him and thought they provided some good insight. This doesn't mean that I felt it was a catchall for understanding all forms of expressing love, but I did feel it was a great place to start.

Gary Chapman, PhD released his book The Five Love Languages in 1992 after years of providing couples counseling. He found that when couples shared that they didn’t feel loved by their partner, it usually came down to how love was being expressed. This is how he identified five common ways of expressing love: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts.

There is a common catch phrase in psychology, “communication is key.” But it’s not so simple. Just as there are different verbal languages around the globe, there are also different ways of communicating love. I found that Dr. Chapman’s concept was a great place to start when it came to further growing my understanding of communicating love. By having a better understanding of your own love language, you have a tool to improve and enhance your interpersonal relationships.

Using this as a tool, not a rule, is key to the success of this model. I look at the love languages as being similar to dialect differences. Just as we look at dialect as impacted by culture and religion, the expression of these love languages can vary between people and communities.

When using the online or book quiz during clinical sessions to help identify someone’s love language a clinical setting, I had strong reactions and received a lot of feedback. The examples provided are hetero-normative and rooted in American Christian social structures from the mid 1900’s. While I don’t agree with everything within the books and find that it can be limiting, I did find that the main concept of people having different ways of feeling and expressing love was important and could be used as a starting point.

Below I provide information from the books and my own thoughts.

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Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation include verbal compliments or appreciation. This is the main one when we think of when giving affirmation. It is a way to acknowledge your appreciation when someone does something for you. Other forms of affirmation are words of encouragement (building someone’s self-esteem), using kind words (consider are the words I am using nice?), and humble words (tone and context of how we are saying something).

My Thoughts

Words have power based on how we use them. The actual words used have a stronger impact when we align our nonverbal cues with what we are trying to communicate. Think about this, does saying “I love you” with a grouchy face, quick and dulled toned voice, arms crossed, and no eye contact convey the same message as saying “I love you” with a smile, head high, soft spoken, open arms, and eye contact? It is very different! If we know that reassuring someone is important for them to feel loved, we want to be sure to do this is a meaningful and intentional way. This applies for what is said and how it is said.

It is easy to focus on words of affirmation relating to saying thank you to show someone they are appreciated or saying they look nice to build self-esteem. I would consider that words of affirmation can include validating someone’s feelings and thoughts. This largely happens when discussing values and personal experiences. We want the other person to feel heard and respected.

Personal Story

When I was in school and very sick, my mom moved in with me. She lived with me in my one bedroom apartment on and off for five years. After her second time of moving back in, we went through the quiz together and I learned that words of affirmation is her love language. She was working so hard to get me healthy and I was leaving her feeling unappreciated. Once I understood how she was feeling, I was able to adjust my own behaviors. I was more active in making sure she felt she had a space of her own (her own toiletries draw, dresser, and closet space), time to talk, and said thank you more often. This helped so much in our relationship. I don’t think we would have managed through without the awareness of each other’s love languages. But as you can see, words of affirmation included physical (space) and emotional support.

Quality Time

Quality time refers to giving someone your undivided attention. Broken down, it means providing focused attention (doing something together), quality conversation (uninterrupted sympathetic dialogue, sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings), learning to talk (expressing vulnerable thoughts and feelings), and quality activities (doing something meaningful).

My Thoughts

Have you ever been sitting on the couch with another person, had the TV, all while reading an article on your phone, looking at social media, or texting someone totally different than who is with you? We are constantly over stimulated, so sitting down and focusing on one activity or personal can be challenging. Quality time is about having the person feel you are focused on them. This is when you are putting in emotional work to support them. It can be taxing because we have to be vulnerable. Often, this overlaps with words of affirmation.

Personal Story

My primary love language is quality time. While Cody and I have had plenty of time together through the course of quarantine for the past year and a half, it has been vital for us to schedule and label time as dates. We figured out quickly that sitting around at home was not going to be enough for me. So, we have worked hard these past months and continue to set aside quality time to talk and engage with one another. This has been harder since having Laila, but we do our best.

Physical Touch

For infants, physical touch (being held and rocked) is how love is communicated. As we get older, physical touch involves holding hands, hugging, kissing, embracing, and sex. However, you want to be sure it is consensual and in a way that the other person likes. Not all touch is equal. It can be explicit (intentional with a longer time frame) or implicit (brief). Additionally, it is common to seek physical connection when emotionally distraught because sometimes we don't have the words to comfort (holding a hand when someone is in mourning).

My Thoughts

Telling someone you need to be touched can be scary. We are made to believe that when someone likes you that they will be drawn to you and won’t be able to keep their hand off of you (thank you Nicholas Sparks). In reality, not everyone is brought up with healthy physical touch. This is why talking about it will be very important to making sure the person who wants to be physically comforted is getting that while the other is not feeling pressured.

Personal Story

Since I was little, touch was important. When I was in elementary school, I had this odd idea that if my foot was touching my parents’ while I was doing my homework, I would somehow absorb the correct answer. Not sure why I thought that, but the physical behavior has continued. While quality time is most important to me, I like having my feet up on Cody’s lap when we are sitting on the couch and talking (sorry to all those with feet phobias!). That simple act of touch makes me feel connected. Thankfully he doesn't mind.

Acts of Service

Acts of service is about doing things for the other person. This can be completing a chore or helping finish a project for school or work. What is key here is to identify which acts are meaningful for the other person.

My Thoughts

While the quiz is stereotypical (hetero-normative) based, the book does address that these roles are not a way to determine acts of service. Rather, it is important to discuss what acts of service would make you and the other person feel loved. Acts of service could include being physically present during a difficult time or driving someone to an appointment so they are not alone.

Personal Story

For Cody, acts of service is ranked as his second love language, so when I cook or put away his laundry I know he appreciates it. The rule though is that we discuss what we each appreciate (and are okay with doing) because it is the only way to make sure our acts are actually having the intended goal of making the other feel loved and we don't feel resentful (we equally hate doing house chores and he primarily does the heavy duty work).

Receiving Gifts

Gifts are described as a visual symbol of love because the gift becomes a reminder of how someone felt about you. Gifts are therefore an investment (spending time and money of something to show love) and gift of self (being physically present may mean giving up another commitment or activity).

My Thoughts

Everyone will have their own thoughts about what they think is a gift, so I suggested discussing what will be valued. Because a gift is a representation of love, it can be helpful to give something that has sentimental value. This can be a framed photograph or a travel mug in someone’s favorite color. The gift may also be personal time and not anything physical. This in some ways overlaps then with quality time, except instead of it being focused on the emotional conversation, it is more about the physical presence.

Personal Story

As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, I have always had a difficult time with giving and receiving gifts. It is the last in the order of importance of love languages. But for Cody, it is his first. When I met his family I realized they are constantly exchanging gifts. I had to adjust my perspective and realize that when I was given a gift it was an expression of love. I learned how to pick and give quality gifts. For Cody, that can be as small as a new lanyard for his keys. As challenging as gift receiving and giving is for me, I have found a new appreciation because I know it has a deep meaning for him.

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The main purpose of understanding love languages is to fill someone’s love tank. It is similar to the idea of needing to put on your oxygen mask on a plane before putting on someone else’s. If you don't feel loved it will be harder to fill someone else’s tank. That is why it takes constant communication and work.

There is bound to be times when the tank ends up empty. We have life stressors that deplete us. By being committed to growing and healing yours and another’s hurt and pain, you will be able to repair and refill those tanks. Our past histories, upbringings, and prior unhealthy relationships will make this challenging at times because we automatically respond in ways that we think will protect us. By committing to work through those times, keeping lines of communication open, and adjusting behaviors and words, you are able to use different tools, including the Five Love Languages to build and maintain a strong relationship.

xoxo,

Shana Bryn

* This is only a summary of what the expansive book has to offer. There are some great activities and examples for each of the five love languages that can help you better understand and connect them to your own life and relationships. *